6/17/2013

Your best age is now.

HI buds!

Some time ago I did dig out a pic of me -aged 20. It's over here. Xcuse for the tacky editing and bad quality, it's just a snapshot of a film camera pic (we didn't have digi cameras by then, lol :)
That was over 10 years ago, I guess it was year 1999.


Anyways- when I saw this pic I was like damn I looked good. Okay, my hair was a giant mess- but unlike now, I had a thick big healthy hair! Unlike now, physically I was in super condition, and my skin looked glowing. Of coz, the 1st thing that came into my mind was "dang, why I don't look like that any more!?".

The society idealizes young women (I raged about this to my husband some time ago, poor him). At my current age (over 30) or even earlier, many women start to take botox injections, fillers and whatever minor (or major) treatments and operations there are. Nope, I do not judge people who go for treatments, but for me using those would be a giant hassle. Perhaps I will think about it again after 15 or 20 years, or then I will just keep looking my age.

Okay, I might have a minor crisis about aging, but would I like to be 20 again? Nope.
I can think of the cool sides of being 20 - I had not that much worries, I looked great when I woke up in the mornings, I could experiment with make up without it getting stuck into my lines, I had "the right" to act stupid (people don't expect that mature behavior from an young person), I was well aware of my ability to be charming when I wanted to, I knew how to have fun, the life was all in front of me - I didn't have to make commitments since I could think about everything later. I had endless energy and a very fearless and adventurous mind - that is something I miss.

But that's not all. In my 20's I was dang insecure. And shallow. (I'm still very vain but I wouldn't say I'm shallow.) I worked as a model for some time, and I was feeling bad every time I was on the stage or being photographed. I considered myself fat (it was the end of the 90's and the golden age of skinny models) altho' I was _skinny_. I considered my face horrid compared to the other models, and sometimes I'd get horrible feedback from the make up artists or my bosses, not to mention some other models. It was no fun! I could also be really mean at times since I didn't understand what I say / do was mean. Lack of experience and emotional IQ.
I would take any stupid comment from a stupid boyfriend really personally and feel like I'm the lowest, ugliest creature on earth. I didn't have the confidence to go for the hobbies that I would have liked.
In short - I looked good, but I wasn't that happy with myself.

Over 10 years has passed from these times and I have been thru a lot, done good things and bad things- and grown as a person, at least a little bit.
I know that it's fun to look good, but my looks do not define my value as a person. My work, my status or other things like that will not value me as a person.
It's myself who values myself as a person - if I don't give credit to myself, none will do, and I need to do things that I value to have some credit to give myself. 
People who like me, will like my looks as well - beauty lies in the eyes of beholder.
I'm still insecure but that has more to do with my flaws as a person than my looks and the good thing is that developing myself as a person makes more sense- and is more natural than boosting my looks artificially.
The pressure from society - that's my pet peeve. I love being the old gal who gives a crap about the rules. The only rules I care about are ethics and law. No fashion rules for me, no dressing my age. I buy my clothes from the teens department. I still climb trees in public. I collect fashion dolls, action figures and other toys. I have no idea what I will be when I grow up.
People who judge - let them do that. It's their prob anyway if hurt their eyes :).

And still, if we talk about looks, I'm sure that in my 50's I'll look at the pics of me around my 30's and think "Dang, I looked great". In my 70's I will say that about my 50 years old self. It's about the perspective :)
perhaps I will read this text, laugh and think "Omigosh, that Lara in her 30's was so stupid!"

The point of this text is to express that we should enjoy when we are young, but we shouldn't stop enjoying when we are grown ups. Life is not about pleasing others or being approved by some society standards.
Life comes with duties, but duties are to keep your life on it's pace -not to be the purpose of your life.
Life is about you and the things that you love - I wish I knew this when I was 20.
So don't waste your youth worrying about if you are good enough or not - and never think you are too old for something you want to do, coz you will not get any younger. 
xo,

L